As women is our worth measured by how many relationships we have? How many men we have slept with or haven’t? Does that define whether we are a “good” girl or a “bad” girl? Does it have any bearing on anything? What does it matter? Why do we all get so consumed by the values that society places on us?
I’m going to get very personal now so look away if you don’t want to hear it! At the weekend I spent some time with a guy I know and have known for a few years now. We used to have some kind of “relationship” but mostly for the last couple of years we have been “just friends” the kind that text each other once in a while and phone each other occasionally. Last weekend he came over and I decided that since I hadn’t been imitate with someone for a while now it was a good opportunity and of course he felt the same. Little did I know that I was going to have a crazy “spontaneous” orgasm of which I had never had with a guy before that would make him think I was having a heart attack! This is something else that society is responsible for on some level, why is women’s sexuality so repressed? I could go on here, but I am open to hearing your thoughts.
The following day he left early (there’s a pattern here somewhere) and I of course was left to deal with any and all the feelings and emotions that followed and I can tell you it was everything from elation to abandonment. Why is it that I am incapable of getting intimate with someone and not having some kind of reaction or response or both? Why for the first time was I in ecstasy with a guy and he thinks I’m having a heart attack? I had to laugh, but also I had to wonder what was really going on here and why were there so many patterns, apart from the obvious one.
So today he phones me of course things somehow are a little different again and he wants to know what I “think” of him? I really struggled with that question, what do I think of you? Mmmm not a lot was what came out of my mouth! Although I didn’t mean it in that way, I was referring to the fact that there was not a great deal of thought going into this or anything else for that matter! He was a little confused and mentioned something about us being very different…and then BOOM…why are you still “single”? Why don’t you have a “proper job”? You can leave your son to his own devices now he’s old enough and so it went on, did I feel good about what he was saying not particularly no. Then of course about my age so in 40 years you will be 80…mmmm yes I know that, I also might not be here then, well in this body anyway! Funnily enough I do not spend my time thinking about how old I am and how old I will be in so many years time! It has no interest to me what so ever…IT IS NOW and I AM HERE…the rest of it I haven’t got a ******* clue about and neither has anyone else!
More Questions or maybe it was an interrogation….”Well you don’t want to be single until then do you”? Do I have any control on how long I am single for? Does it matter? Why do we live in a society that is obsessed with relationships?
“What are you going to do with your life”? and then he tells me hes not willing to get into a relationship with me! Did I ask him? NO…..
Then there were the questions about “why hasn’t anyone else stuck around”? and “I should fighting them off with a stick”! Really according to who exactly and does that make me more worthy or valuable in some way? Do I care?
I made a decision about 10 years ago now that my life was being dedicated to helping others, in whatever way that meant. I know that pledge got me in some very tricky situations and also helped me out of some! But it comes from my heart, my soul, my being. This is my “job”, being a mother and creating everything I am creating to help others that is my “job”. No it’s not 9 – 5pm and it isn’t always lucrative and don’t drive a big car or have a huge house, but I am really really blessed and grateful to be doing the work I love, with people I love. I am never going to fit into a “box”. I am never going to be what “you” want me to be. I am stubborn, but I am also on a mission and no-thing and no-body will take me from the path to God I have chosen. I realize now that mediocre is not my thing and the only relationship I am prepared to get into is one where the man is so willing to find God he can join me here.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
As I hold you in my arms, all the pain drifts away…..I will hold you forever…..
I will protect you, stand by you and Love you unconditionally.
I will also create boundaries and barriers to lovingly guide you from boy to man….so that you know I hold space for your growth, truth and emerging.
“My” flesh and blood made manifest, my teacher….my reflection….the mirror of my soul.
You came into my life and from the moment of conception I felt your presence, I knew you…I spoke to you.
You have been with me all these years, through all challenges.
I have watched you grow, watched you blossom, watched you dance with a football like no other child I know.
I have felt your determination, your anger, your frustration.
I have witnessed your divine intelligence, your strength, your focus, your wisdom. You don’t fit into any box, just as I never did.
You are powerful beyond measure, your intelligence is far greater than any maths equation.
You live life here and now, you don’t care what others think of you…
Today I reminded you that what’s most important is what you think of your Self. That is your primary relationship, it is far more important than the one you have with me, because that is the relationship that connects you with everyone in your life.
I love you, my Son ❤
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
My body aches all over, my soul cries for the loss of my little boy….he is no longer a boy, yet not quite a man.
My soul cries for the life of freedom….that I want so desperately…..
This feels like pain….like separation, there is no-thing left for me to do. I have done every-thing…..I have given everything….there is no more left to give…no-thing here to give anymore.
These scars are deep, unhealing wounds….I am raw.
The hard cold floor hurtling towards me as I fall for the last time. The jelly like sensation in my arms, the Chinese burn that you got at school that never goes away…..for hours and hours it stays unwelcome…..
My eyes fill with tears….I can’t stop them, where is the love….what is the lesson? My breathing frantic, like a knife right through my heart….unbearable pain courses through my veins…..
And where are you? What happened to the promise you made…?
I am here all alone…..there is no fight left. I surrender to it all……
In this surrender the tears flow, but the aching, pain and jelly arms no longer matter….no-thing matters.
Silence rushes in all around me and inside me a deep well of Silence is rushing up to the surface. I am consumed by peace…by stillness, I am here…I am now. I am engulfed by the tidal wave. Dragged to the bottom…down into the depths places I never looked before. Buried emotions.
Being with this anger, hurt, abandonment, loss, exhaustion, as the peace filters through it all…
This is all there is…..
This is all I Am….
Letting go….letting go…in Love….
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
I have one plant that looks completely dead at first glance. Everything is brown, shrivelled and decaying… until you look closely at the soil underneath and notice these tiny new leaves just poking through above the surface. Those tiny leaves are the only visible sign that something is happening….
Most people, I am guessing would see the dead plant and throw it away….not realising that there is a whole process of rebirth happening underneath the surface.
How often do we give up, disregard an idea, a person thinking that we know the outcome? How often do we look at something and think we know the full spectrum of possibilities? How often do we judge others and circumstances based on how things look? Or what they have done?
What if there is always growth, magic and rebirth happening underneath the surface? What if we just need to be patient and not give up on something or someone? What if the possibility for growth and change are impossible to measure?
What if just like my beautiful plant…everyone is capable of dying to their old ways, experiences and behaviours with an opportunity to emerge through all the challenges as someone, something stronger, far more beautiful, filled with more determination, wisdom and light?
The first time I noticed my plant rebirth itself I was astounded as I was convinced I hadn’t looked after it properly…but what I came to understand was that this plant needs to fully die so that the dying part of the plant can nourish the new growth which is being birthed within it.
The plant takes all its nutrients back into the soil, into the darkness to the heart of its being.
Like the plant there is undoubtedly a part of us that needs to die to itself to nourish and encourage the new seed of possibilities to grow within each of us. The part that dies is all the accumulations of the past, just like the plant we die to what was in order to become who and what we truly are in this moment.
Adversity, challenges, difficulties and suffering are our friends that help us realise the necessity for growth. They push us back into the soil, right to the centre of our being, our very core of existence, into the darkness to search for our reason for living and this stimulates a new depth of experience. A new opening.
We become more of ourselves, we a accept and encompass everything about ourselves bringing the whole of our being here, bringing us to wholeness, holiness. In this holiness
we realise our oneness and we realise we are the source of everything.
You are birth, deathless death and rebirth and so the cycle goes on. Blessed be Beloveds.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
As I sit here with this whirlwind of emotions moving through “me” my heart aches this is a sensation I have become familiar with it aches….for something more….it aches to remember…what it is to feel loved….to pull me back just for a moment….is it all really just a game? Where all the men and women are merely players…?
Why are we all trapped in this crazy matrix…this beautiful Eden…? When really there is no-thing here..at all only space..only stars only pure potentiality….? A figment of our imaginations….our collective imagination?
Why Am I wandering on this path alone..no-body beside me? Where is this body….we are all walking moon and star dust….Knowing there is no-body here…how can anyone ever walk beside me? Vivid imagination…..Surely we are all just walking alone…? All heading in the same direction…..? Home….?
So far no-thing ever worked out with anyone…..apart from my Self….and that’s going really well I think it might last an eternity! I have learnt the most out of this relationship!
Maybe I will never know what it feels like to be truly loved..by another? Maybe Love is too vast and too infinite to be known fully in this experience? In this matrix? I know of a love that exists outside of all boundaries…but love is just a word and it is beyond all words and there is no one there waiting….for anything!
I this heart crys out for the experience of another who like “me” is dedicated to God…..to serve…to service….this is my dream…..it’s all a dream….really…..what’s yours?
I woke in the dream to realise I was dreaming and that this is all dreamtime and in a moment I can get pulled into illusion that this is all real…..and then I remember and then I forget and then I remember…..what madness is this mystery?
I can never forget God and I can never forget Death….my constant companions on this journey….the path laid before me….is not a path I can navigate but rather one that appears as my footsteps move in the direction of love….creating a new path to God….❤ where all shall walk for eternity….
Only One, Only Now, Only Here….only THIS……
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
This morning I awoke with a deep pain in my chest and what felt like intense anxiety….. at the need to get up. I felt exhausted, just totally wiped out. These feelings are a reoccurring experience for me, but I realise this might not be pain and it may very well not be anxiety for those are just words…ideas in my mind. Some label my mind has come up with to help “me” make sense of or work something out. This is what the mind is always attempting to do, solve everything, fix everything and in attempting to solve things it creates more “problems” and more “labels”, as it can not figure out or resolve things that are beyond it. These “feelings” could simply be my souls realisation, recognition that I am in this body and on awaking, there is some shock to the system as this realisation once again settles in. We are so much more than this body.
Often these days I have a sense of movement, a vibration, a pulsation that moves through me. Like I am the heart beat of this entire universe, like whatever is being felt is the depths of this mystery in all it’s billion expressions of love.
As I sit with these experiences, as I allow these feelings and give them space, accept them, there is a noticing of their passing through, a noticing that no-thing is permanent. Everything being felt is like a rush of wind around a mountain, the mountain is solid, steady, powerful and immovable. The mountain knows the wind, it knows the sensations, but it is not defined by it. It is not moved by it, it remains steadfast in the knowledge that it’s a part of the experience, the wind is simply an expression of the divine.
It is only the labels we give things that create our pain or suffering, it is only our need for something to be “right” or “wrong” that creates our suffering. In truth it is all experience and we are all like the mountain, powerful, steadfast and unaffected by everything, indestructible.
Life is here for each one of us to know our own awakening, our power and our infinite, deathless, indestructible nature.
Everything we see, everything we witness, is coming from inside ourselves. It has to be this way because we are the perceiver of our experience. When you look into the eyes of another you see your Self. You see one soul, you see your inner divinity looking back at you through the eyes of the entire universe. The love you feel for another is the love you feel for your Self.
Never make another responsible for your happiness or your sadness, they can not be responsible. You are the master of your emotions, you are the one that can choose love, choose peace. In every moment there is a gift for us, in every moment there is treasure to be discovered. In every moment realisation is possible.
The eyes of love are every where, look around what do you see? What is calling to your soul? God is calling you to know your Self in every moment, God is showing you something more. In every moment there is a possibility to deepen into love, into this ocean of possibilities.
I love you ❤
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
Thank you for this gorgeous photo Wes Angelozzi ❤
My heart aches with the same pain, a familiar feeling that spreads through out my body gnawing at my bones: a call from the deepest recesses of the universe to stop this illusion, to stop this, to find another way. Pain is always showing us that we are clinging to something that is taking us away from our center, away from truth, away from reality, that’s why its so painful.
I can hardly eat or move: I am consumed by my pain-body. It has taken up residence in my temple.These tears I cry are for all of humanity, anyone that has ever felt loss, abandonment or rejection. I feel like I am crying for the world. This pain body is full of billions of undigested cell memories, of hurts, ideas about how things should be and all previous relationship experiences.
In this moment I have been triggered. This is not a response this is a reaction. The thing is “I” am you and “you” are “me” and any seeming separation, no matter how short lived, feels like we are loosing a part of our Self. In effect we are, because we called the other into our experience, they are a projection and they come willingly to show us a little more, to make us look a little deeper.
The other represents elements of your Self. It can be no other way, as you are the one that perceives them. This is to say that through the many processes in your brain and awareness you are able to see the light and form that creates them. Through that perception, comes a whole host of subconscious patterns, memories, conditioning, expectations, thoughts, sensations and feelings about what this is, what it could be, what you want it to be and who they are. Through this idea of a “relationship” “I’ have been tricked into a false sense of security, where there is none. This idea that anything is secure is a fallacy.
In this meeting of two souls, I momentarily forgot who I AM and slipped into the illusion that “you” could provide “me” with something, I already have present within me.
We get swept up in this misunderstanding, as the “ego” asks what can you give me, what can I get from you? An image, an idea, a concept for this “us” to fulfill: you want me on your arm, to show me off, to take me out, like some kind of toy, to fullfil an idea, a dream, to project an image…why? This is an empty shell: an empty concept, who’s image am I fulfilling? The other is a giant mirror: do you like what you see?
Nobody can give you what you already have: nobody can provide you with the truth of who you are. If there is pain they will mirror it back to you, they will show you your darkness and your light, if there are issues within get ready to face them!
The other is your walking, talking mirror, who is going to reflect everything back to you and I can guarantee you won’t be ready to see any of it! They are the ones that shift the mud from the depths and bring it to the surface, the ones who show you what you need to look at. You have created them as much as they have created you, although this is always through your very own distortion of reality and theirs of course.
You do not see them for who they are: you see your own version of them. It doesn’t matter how much “work” you have done, how many years you have been single and been getting to “ know your Self “ once the other comes along…. boom it all goes haywire!
They will be just the perfect person to trigger you, of course this is all divinely orchestrated to show you what’s still left, what needs to be worked out of your system, what ideas you are still clinging too. This process is not one of building you up and bolstering you along, it is one of destruction. It is one that rips you apart until there is no-thing left to rip open, until there is no remaining concept about anything. Until you realize, that you are totally completely and already perfect, whole and divine within your Self.
We are all here in service to each other, wether we realise it or not, each and every person that comes into our life does so with a purpose. There is always purpose to everything. The most important thing we need to learn is to look with our hearts, to polish the mirror within so that we may see life, all its beauty and mystery though the eyes of truth, through the eyes of love. Then and only then can we experience life as it truly is as a magnificent play of form and wonder. Then we can see without the illusions, without the concepts without the clouds of our own minds interpretation.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
After what can only be described as total divinely organised chaos of around 13 weeks. I say this because I am fully aware that making plans or normal life, simply does not occur in my experience and especially when there is a divine plan that I can not begin to figure out! My son is finally back in a new school and settling in well. He briefly fell out of the system and actually had a well deserved break from everything.
Some of you may know that my son is an amazing footballer and that he was at the Wolverhampton Wanderers Academy for nearly 6 years, anyway after a long break and many challenges he played his first match for his new school tonight…he’s only been there 2 days, today is his 3rd. They won, he scored two of the winning three goals and set up the third and was given the tittle of man of the match.
His confidence is through the roof…he is such a gifted soul and so committed to his talent, it brings him so much joy. He literally dances with the ball!
Never let the joy of what you love fade because of circumstances, hold on to your dreams….because you are a powerful manifestor!
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
It strikes me that every time I feel abandoned, rejected or deserted, I am taken right back to child hood, to 8 year old little “me”. My father left when I was 8, without any warning. One day he was there, the next he was gone, a shock to my fragile system. My heart broke, tears rolled down my cheeks, my chest ached, my lungs contracted and I blamed myself. It must have been something to do with me, he never loved me, he was always angry with me and at times violent towards me, but I still loved him. He was my Dad and I wanted to make him proud of me, I wanted to make him happy, I thought I could, but whatever I did was always met with criticism, a mild feeling of distastefulness and there was never any praise. I was never going to be good enough and now it was too late to do anything about it. Was I really that bad that he had to leave? My chest felt like it had been ripped open this man I barely knew, who was always working, stressed and often angry, had disappeared out of my life. Unbeknown to me he had gone to find him Self and it is possible that he had no idea that that was the journey he was embarking on. It was another 12 months or so before I saw him again. He appeared one summers day in our Garden looking like some long lost soul, I did not recognize him, there was no-thing familiar about this man in front of me.
This devastating experience set me up with a lot of insecurities, particularly about men. Consequently I waited a long time before I got involved with anyone. I soon realized that people come and go, in and out of our lives and I figured that if I just stayed out of any relationship then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of the heartache or more specifically the pain.
Life of course is in a constant state of shift, as are we and it will always bring us the lessons we most need to learn, especially the incredibly challenging ones. It is the deeply challenging ones that help to transform us, set us a light and bring us out of suffering. What stemmed from this experience was that every time I met a new guy the “panic” would set in. I would immediately go through the scenario in my mind and leave them before they could leave me. I would often pick men that were totally unavailable on some level: this was of course a form of self-protection. Then the doubts would set in, did he really love me? The thing was I knew he could leave at any moment, I had experienced this, with my father and although I was very young, part of that experience remained ingrained in my heart and formed a barrier with my willingness to be vulnerable.
Any kind of security is a myth of course anyway: it really doesn’t exist in any form and never has. The fact is that no matter what your circumstances married or not, if you are in any kind of relationship it is only going to remain that way for as long as you both decided that’s what you want. As soon as one of you wants out, that is effectively the end of what you had together and the start of what is often a painful process of letting go. This letting go is always a letting go of the “idea”, beliefs and expectations of your relationship, because in truth there is never any true or real separation. My Dad taught me that in his death.
So forward the clock to NOW (there is never another time is there?) has anything really changed? I’m not so sure, I still notice that vulnerable 8-year-old girl within, who was totally heart broken. I know my own depths and I am diving deeper into them in every moment: I am getting to know my Self and I cannot help, but see those depths in others. I fall more easily into that space of Love now, I just see it oozing out of every cell in every living being. I cry when I pass the “tree” beings on the way to school, as they are so beautiful. I feel that they let me into their world of experience and I feel honored to be able to see their glowing beauty. I would often miss this in my previous life experience, as I was totally disconnected to the moment.
I still seem to attract men that are not available in one-way or another and this is actually a bit of a joke now. I often see the traits my Dad had show up in these men too and of course I see aspects of my Self in them, they are of course a divine reflection. Am I scared of my vulnerability not anymore no, I embrace it and let myself show up in whatever form that takes. Is it easy, no it is not easy to show your Self in all your craziness openly. Most people keep their craziness under lock and key for fear of being found out, always attempting to act “normal’ whatever that means. I connect with all aspects of “me” and this life experience every day. I embrace my vulnerability, it is what allows for this deep, intimate and often mind bending and heart exploding emotional connection with life. I recognise that each relationship is another trigger from the universe to help me let go of any unwanted or unneeded beliefs, conditionings and attachments to how things “should” be, (another game the mind likes to play). I see immense love in everyone especially in my Self and there are many times when I want to use the word Love to describe how I feel for another human being, but it is not always met with openness and acceptance, it can also be met with pure terror and fear.
It is just a word of course, in reality it’s a word that means no-thing as the experience of love is truly beyond any labels we can put onto it.
“LOVE” reaches beyond the mind and it is the foundation and motivation for all life. We are here to experience the many many depths and expressions of it. It is truly what life is, the abundance of expressions of love in everyone and every thing.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
Have you ever had a feeling that was so over whelming your whole body started to react and go into some kind of shut down? It leaves you unable to communicate with any clarity, as the whole of your awareness is being used to figure out if a) you are seriously ill and need some medical attention or b) you are having one of those inexplicable episodes which come with no warning and leave you absolutely emotionally, mentally drained and yet totally peaceful. Well the other night whilst I was with this beautiful man (who has found his way back into my life and my experience) that is exactly what happened. I didn’t feel like being around many people that night, there was a sense of a state of hibernation, something that I am quite happy to go with and be in my own company. I know my limits when it comes to being in the company of others.This is the gift and the curse of such sensitivity that I experience every day, some moments I am so full of bliss I could burst and others I feel the sadness and frustration that is moving around the entire planet. You see you can not have it just one way, to be sensitive is to feel every thing, absolutely everything with an intensity that can at times be totally overwhelming and completely blissful. It may surprise you to learn that I am incredibly grateful for this sensitivity and this deep connection to the universe, which reveals such depths of intimacy that there is truly no separation. I see this as a God given gift of Grace and it has helped me to navigate my way through many life situations. It has helped me to have a deeper compassion and love for others. It has helped me to tune into other people and work with them on a very deep level. It has taught me to forgive everyone and everything. It has meant that I am totally open to other people’s states of being when I am around them, I can feel whatever they are feeling, right down to the pain of loss in their chest to the exhilaration of a new love.
I was with this beautiful man and everything seemed so incredibly perfect, you know those moments when the whole universe stands still as you breath in and out together like the tide of the ocean and no-thing else matters and no-thing else exists in that moment. Your eyelids start to close and a deep peace in the silence is revealed within your heart. Then just at that moment there is a knock, tap and bang on the door and a rattling of the door handle as someone is trying unsuccessfully to get into my house. There is no reason for this and at first I thought it could be kids, 10pm on a Saturday evening…followed by a “you had better move that car by the morning”! at that point I knew it was my neighbor.
For many years I have experienced her “interesting” behavior, I have attempted to resolve things, to avoid things, to hug her and apologize, just to create some peace, but this particular night her energy was so strong, so violent and fuelled by alcohol, I could feel it oozing through the walls in my house. She has no idea how powerful she is and she has no understanding that whatever she attempts to do to anyone she is in fact doing to herself. So she suffers, she suffers the illusion of separation, the fear of lack, in this case of a parking space and by this incredible display of territorial behavior you would imagine it was a life or death of the body situation happening.
This is a great demonstration of everything that is misunderstood in society. There is no mine or yours, there is no-thing to own as there is no one here to own anything, this is all a play, this dance of maya. Many are deeply trapped in the illusion of maya, they are willing to fight, threaten, use violence, aggression or bully someone, because of this misunderstanding and their beliefs. This “aggressive” energy affected me deeply and this beautiful man, neither of us could settle as she continued to bang on the walls inside her own home.
I was consumed by it all and my body went into shock by shaking and feeling incredibly sick. I felt her sickness, her sadness, her unworthiness, her anger, her hatred towards herself. You cannot display that kind of anger towards another if you don’t feel it within your own being. I have no doubt that she was bullied herself, abused maybe, that there have been many times in her life that she has felt disempowered and it brings tears to my eyes to know she is in such deep suffering and there is really no-thing I can do to help her, this is a pattern that has been going on many years. She is so trapped in her own mind that there seems to be no possibility to escape this misery she is feeling and so unable to witness, the pattern continues and the record plays on and on the same tune until she has had enough only then can something begin to shift.
The overwhelm and shut down I experienced made it very hard to express myself fully to this beautiful man and he chose to move his car and go home in the hope that this would bring some peace to the situation, for all of us. I have since made the decision to close off the space around my house and protect it energetically, not something I had wanted to do, but I felt there was no-thing more to be done here. I am aware of my own power and now there are Reiki symbols and Archangels protecting my space, which will simply stop this kind of thing happening again. I have prayed and cut all the psychic links and ties between us. I have surrounded them in light and I pray that they find peace in their lives and in their minds. I pray Gods love awakens their hearts and that they can truly experience the beauty all around them eternally.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤
Today is the birthday of Ganesh, the remover of obstacles in our lives and these last few days have had a dramatic effect on my life. On Tuesday I had my first ever Tantra Massage. I was ridiculously nervous (yes I am human!!), I had no idea what to expect, what I was getting myself into and I also had no preconceived ideas about what it was, as I have never studied Tantra and I had concluded by myself that it is the deepening of intimacy with God or all that is.
I do know that the questionnaire was lengthy and there were questions on there I had never even asked myself! What a chance to discover how I really felt about so many aspects of my life and also a chance to see what changes I had already made! Some of the questions made me feel a little sad especially regarding my relationship experiences, but it all helped to highlight whats important to me now and the ways in which I choose to move forward. I felt good about the fact I had stopped smoking over 14 years ago now and that I gave up drinking over 2 years ago (I drunk a lot of brandy at my Dads funeral, but since that day I haven’t had a drop). I felt great about the fact I tried drugs and was sensible enough to give them up when I realised they were never going to get me to that place of Peace only I could do that! I made a promise to myself to give myself all of those things that I have previously denied myself in one way or another. The Ego is so clever at manipulating us into believing certain things about what is really possible!
This deepening aspect of Tantra of course includes all aspects of life, nature, the body, relationships and of course sex and our relationship with all of these!
Tantra Massage is an intimate process, so getting naked in front of a stranger and actually a strange man was a pretty weird thing for me to be doing on a Tuesday afternoon. It felt a little challenging and there was all sorts of resistance that came up before the session and a little still remained through it. I however remained brave, if you want to call it that and surrendered as much of myself to the process as possible. I can see that it has deeply connected me to my body, my sexuality even more so, my Goddess nature and also brought a greater awareness to what my body needs and how I can better take care of it. Tantra really is about getting naked in all senses of the word, its about stripping away some more of those hidden beliefs around intimacy, sex, relationships and learning to express whats within you with out holding anything back. Its about being honest with your Self your feelings, your wants and needs and to honour those as you honour the universe for bringing you here. Tantra is seeing the beauty in all the parts of you spiritually, emotionally and physically. If you have body issues it can help you to heal those. I have a scar from when I was given an emergency caesarean and I was cut so close to my second chakra, though the Tantra massage I was able to understand more about how this had affected my life and reclaim this part of my body bringing my Self a bit more into wholeness. I was also able to breath all the stuck energy out and breath healing love, light and wisdom back into that space so that chakra could serve me as it is meant to!
We only have one body and who knows whats going to happen, so making conscious health choices in this moment is vital. I am aiming to at least become vegetarian now and this experience is certainly confirming why I need to make the changes, not because its cool or hip or to do with diet or allergies, but because we are One and that includes every living being, every one here no matter what their form.
We are all connected and the only way to stop feeding the fear, anger and hate in the world is by finding ways to stop creating it. We are the creators and what has come up many times in conversations over the last few days is that we can choose to create something new here and now! A Utopia, thats what I see thats what drives me.
What we must do is look at where our money goes, who are we funding who are we allowing to create on our behalf? Every thing we do has an effect on this world….every thing and choose to get more intimate with life, it will show you things you never saw before…in this vast unfolding mystery.
Love Love Amelia (DP)❤️
I love this photo thank you Julie-lou Weston for being such a gifted Goddess! ❤️
The intensity of feelings that rushed through my body, my heart and mind became so overwhelming I thought I was going to explode or just simply disappear….
The depth I have of love for these people is beyond measure, its unconditional. In each one of them I saw something ripe, something beautiful, a flowering…a bud ready to burst and I chose to drawn them near. You see I can’t help but see the magnificence in people, at first I wasn’t sure what I was seeing when it started to happen many years ago in my sessions, but as I watched each one of them grow and blossom, I knew I was seeing their limitless potential, their grace, their beauty and their dedication to service. It doesn’t matter how we met, we were all destined to reconnect in this life, fellow travellers on the path to God, all walking each other home. Home is of course where the heart is, it is also where freedom and presence meet in Love as One. As each person came up, firstly my soul family members, then more friends old and new, some whom I had known for many years, life timelines, others more recent, but that is of no consequence. Everyone that shows up in your life does so for a reason. We are all teachers and students equally for each other. We are all Masters. The words that poured from their hearts ran straight into mine…filling me up with bliss, beauty, peace and eternal love. I see greatness in each of them as they do in me. We are all mirrors for each other. It was challenging to sit there, having all these amazing people speak lovingly and gracefully in a heart opening delicious way and allowing every word, every gesture in, without judgment, without analysis. Just being in a state of receiving and gratitude. How many people experience this in their lifetime?
Often we have left the body before people realize how much we meant to them, how much they love us… having never uttered the words to us, always waiting for that one perfect moment. Often it is only after leaving this physical reality that we acknowledge the gratitude we have for them. If you love someone tell them, no matter what, whatever you want to say tell them, there is never a better time, a better moment. If you want to hug them do it! What are you waiting for? When is the better moment coming? It is NOW!! This moment, live it, love it, embrace it with every fibre of your being….there will never be another…there is only this eternal transformational NOW moment happening here!
Don’t be fooled by the greatest illusion we never know what is happening….it is the greatest magical mystery tour this life! Enjoy the journey don’t get hooked up in the outcome…there is only this and we can never know the outcome of anything. Just move each moment in the direction you want to move, with intention, towards love, towards service and leave the details to God.
Some will not see you, this is because they do not see themselves, they do not see their own greatness, bless them and love them.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
There is a strong feeling within me right now, that is bursting to be expressed. As I approach 40 next week, mid-life so some would say, a crisis possibly….I start to realise a few things. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. The curse of social media, bringing us all closer together and yet further away from intimacy. We are now satisfied with a “like” or a “comment” instead of a hug, a touch or holding hands with someone we love.
Many of us are single and we don’t want to be. The dynamics of relationships are changing, the “family unit” has many variations. There is a greater threat to the idea of a relationship (what is that anymore anyway?), due to the sheer numbers of people using social media to chase their desires…Desires can never be truly fulfilled, they are a bowl with a hole in it, it can never be filled up.
“The sage desires to be desire-less”.
“Cheating” is at an all time high, again another concept developed by society to make one person “wrong” and the other person “right” and this is exactly why the need for intimacy and honesty are at an all time high too! To be honest with ourselves is really the most important person we can be honest with, as that is the level of honesty that flows into all of our other relationships.
I also look at what I “should” have “achieved” by now, I use the term loosely, as its according to the society we are responsible for creating. I “should” be married to my “prince charming”, with two kids, a girl and a boy, own my own home, car, have two holidays a year and be travelling to work everyday to do a 9 – 5 job I can’t stand, to pay for a life that is really never lived…instead its bound by a type of slavery that is so instrumental in society, to the majority it goes unnoticed.
So here I am, there is nowhere else to be anyway is there, at least thats what I understand now…I don’t fit into this idea of what “society” wants me to be. I am a rebel and I always have been, I cant see that changing! I never wanted to be told what to do, I never wanted to fit in and it seems I am continuing to keep up with those ideals perfectly. Where as most of the people I know do live the “normal” life, somehow I seem to of escaped it…there is nothing normal happening here.
Being “spiritual” again I use that term loosely too….is really all about being natural, honest, authentic to the life we want to live. Its about standing in our power, but I know it can be a journey that is very much taken alone. We get initiated into something we don’t really understand, we just know we are not going “that way”….like everybody else seems to be. We are going in our own direction, one that involves journeying inside of our selves. We are plummeting the depths, where some have never dared to go and we search, because we know there is a treasure far greater than anything this world has to offer us. We go in search of this “heaven” so that we can bring it right here and right now.
We are pioneers, we live, eat, drink, breath and be, our truth every day, in every moment, sometimes its exhausting, sometimes the personality gets in the way…We are human after all, we are not perfect, but rather perfect in our imperfection.
This life is expressing itself through us in every moment, God is expressing life through each and every one of us. To deny any part of this experience, of this here now, is to deny our Self, to be Self destructive. To be truly whole, we must accept the whole of our being….we must be holy loving towards ourselves and all others no matter what.
The paradox is that everything that is showing up in your life is a mirror to where you are at with this experience, it can not be any other way…You are the perceiver therefore you must also be the creator…there is only you having “this” experience. Nobody else can experience “this’ for you…people may have similar experiences, but they are not having your experience. We are all living in our own world…our own private universe.
What is showing up for you right now? Have a look around….you are responsible for it on some level….this is why its so important to do the work, the healing on ourselves to look at what shows up and to use it as a gauge to that which needs healing within, that which needs loving within, that which needs our attention and needs the light of love shining on it. How can we be more light, more love if we continue to cast shadows over the things we don’t “like” about ourselves? We are ONE after all. We are, there is no getting away from that. If you stay still long enough and stop, silence will fill your mind, you can feel the oneness, you can feel the silence…you can hear it..knowing this why wouldn’t you find ways to heal?
Each step we take to heal another part, to bring ourselves back to wholeness or holy ness, Godliness is the step we take towards healing this universe, towards letting that “experience” go. Then it becomes unnecessary for anyone else in the entire universe to experience it, because we have healed it within.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
I have been crying a lot, every day for over a month now. It started the day I met this guy. That first meeting in the flesh was so powerful and so totally unexpected, my heart burst open to him. As my heart burst open to my surprise was this great river of tears that started to flood through me as though someone had just opened a door. I didn’t know what was happening or why, I just knew it was a strong pull towards the depths of my own being.
“You haven’t looked here for a while” seemed to be the words my soul was whispering to me.
The tears just ran and ran, there was really nothing I could do, I couldn’t understand them. I felt weak, vulnerable like something was opening from inside. A door that would never shut again, could I handle this? Did I want to feel it?
Yes I did, yes I could, “let them flow let them flow” came the soft gentle voice from deep within my being. I surrendered to the flow, to the pain to the flood of emotion. I learnt to stop labelling it as this or that and to see it as a deep profound aspect of Love revealing itself within me. More depths were being discovered. My wounds were open. My heart ached for his, my body ached for his, my soul was aching with the recognition of the deepest love. He was me and I was him. I saw the love for myself in the crystal clear polished mirror of his heart. How deeply I fell into that void…
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
I was newly single after 6 and a half years, crying every night for the loss of the relationship and the man I loved. I really did not want anybody else near me. I was convinced I would never love again. I wasn’t even open to the possibility. It seemed too difficult, impossible to put myself in a position to be hurt like that again. The thought made me feel physically sick.
A few months later I started my “search” for Love, but I wasn’t ready. I looked in all the wrong places and found so many pieces of myself I didn’t want to see! I didn’t know that actively searching for something would lead me away from that that I was searching for. .
I was attracting every possible screwed up bit of “me” in the form of another man (I am certainly not blaming any of them!). I can see now that each one of them represented an aspect of “me” that needed healing: the unloved parts, the angry parts, the jealous broken parts, the low self esteem, the desperate, the deluded, the sad, the unworthy, the untrusting and the violent. They were all mirrors, an opportunity to look a little deeper into myself, find my strength and maybe wake up!
Life has a beautiful way of showing us the truth if we just stop and look around us at any given moment, we can see it. At the time I was blaming them, everybody but myself for creating this mess. I was the “victim” here.
The first one. Late one night I was feeling calm, relaxed and he switched, things escalated very quickly just like that. He started throwing accusations at me. He came after me threatening to hit me. I screamed at him to go.I had no idea what was going on, it all took me by surprise. I wasn’t prepared! I threw him out that night, I told him I never wanted to see him again. There was no way I was going to allow someone to abuse me, let alone in front of my son. I summoned all my strength and I called in all my Angels and Archangels to help me deal with this what was now a crazy situation.
Up until that moment he had really helped me to heal from my previous relationship. It became obvious though that he had some psychological problems, but I chose to ignore those signs for fear of being on my own again.
I am grateful to him and each one of them that showed up, for showing me what I needed to face in myself and helping me to clarify what I didn’t want, from what I did. Each one of them played a part in nudging me to wake up.
Some of these men were asking me to heal them, to fix them, help them, they wanted to be nurtured, loved, but how could I? Did I even want to? No, I wasn’t in any fit state to help anybody else, first of all I needed to help myself. I needed to love myself. I ended up having fling, after fling, no relationship (like I wanted), no commitment and a lot of meaningless soulless sex. I wasn’t full-filled, I felt used, disrespected, hurt. I could see I was heading in a downward spiral, which was getting me nowhere fast. People were judging me, more importantly though I was judging “me”, because of this behavior. I wasn’t loving me.
It became complicated, some of these men had girlfriends, wife’s that they neglected to tell me about or they would tell me they weren’t together and then get back together and continue to see me. I was being lied to. I was caught up in a web of drama and deceit none of which had been my intention and all of which was now having a very damaging effect on “me” or so I thought.
I was looking for Love, but in reality what I was experiencing was everything but Love, in it’s many forms.
I know now that the Love I was “searching” for was here all along and will always be here, its eternal ever expanding, all encompassing and unconditional. I fooled myself into thinking I could find it outside of myself and with a broken heart!
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
I never wanted to Be anything, why did I need to Be something else? A doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a dentist, I remember sitting with the careers officer thinking why is she even bothering? No matter what she suggests its not going to fit in with me!
It all felt like something was missing, I didn’t want to be moulded into someone else? I knew I was none of those things, but I also had no idea where I was going either, was I supposed to?
One of my friends affectionately used to call me aimless, which I used to find quite irritating. I now realise, aimlessness is the perfect place to start! Its the ideal place to allow life to unfold with all its mystery! What a blessing to be aimless!
I just didn’t fit in, it was obvious to me, but I didn’t really care either, thats just how it was. I wasn’t sure I wanted to “fit in” anyway, what kind of life would that be?
At primary school I had learning difficulties, I was diagnosed with dyslexia, this really did nothing for my confidence or my ability to fit in as a 6 year old. I couldn’t read properly, the letters on the pages would all just blur together, my writing was terrible and I couldn’t spell anything the way I was supposed to! I had to go into a separate class room to be taught one to one. I was alienated by the kids in the class and bullied on occasions too. The one thing I did have was an incredible imagination and the ability to feel my way through the world around me. I also had no trouble talking to adults, I often felt like a very wise being trapped in a very small body! I remember catching a glimpse of a child through the metal gating around the school at the top end of the playground. I was told to ignore those children as they were gypsies. I remember feeling that I had far more in common with them than those mean kids. I did of course go and speak to them, we were both on each side of the gate, I wasn’t sure which one of us was trapped. I guess that depended on which side of the gate you were on. I certainly felt trapped.
From the age of around 9 or 10, I would sit behind my mum on the sofa and “fix” my mums neck and back. I instinctively knew how to use my hands and feel into the muscles for the pain, release and heal it. I didn’t need to try to do anything, it was just natural and I never had to think about it.
As a young teenager I developed a real fascination for Art, I had a passion and an appreciation for all Art and creativity. I could find the beauty in anything and I did. I loved fashion, how clothes covered up our nakedness, how they presented us to the world. How they could change the way we looked and felt.
I never stuck at anything, the rebel within me just wouldn’t let me. I went from job to job and place to place, searching for something that I was just never finding. Everything I put my attention too soon turned out to bore me. It was unfulfilling and completely uninspiring.
At the age of 21 I was unconditionally accepted as a mature student to start a 4 year degree (soon to be told it would be 5 years) in Fashion at Derby University. It was not long before I became very distracted with the student life style and found myself without my good intentions, smoking pot, drinking and not getting to my lessons on time and sometimes not at all. I did my best to focus, but it just didn’t happen. I couldn’t do it. I was even told that I “had something” if I really wanted this I could be a designer and I had the makings of a fashion journalist. My head of year tutor left me three messages on my phone asking me to reconsider, but I had a taste of that world and it didn’t sit well with me. I saw the party life style, the drugs, alcohol, the pretentiousness, the ego lead roundabout it was creating and after finding myself one night at my tutors bar drunk and kissing him, I decided it was time to leave!
Another “failure’ ensued, was I ever going to stick at anything? What did that even mean?
My life was about to take a whole 360 degree turn and the role of motherhood began to call me. I left and moved to Nottingham and soon met the man I thought I would marry, the father of my son. I settled down, I forgot all about my healing, my spirituality and took on the role of a mother, girlfriend and home keeper. Many years later after the relation ship crumbled. I became a single mother and the only thing that kept me strong was my beautiful precious son. I lived for him, I forgot about myself and my own needs. That was evident you could tell just by looking at me!
On the 9th of July in 2012 I graduated. I completed something for the very first time in my life. It wasnt so much about the completion of it, as the journey it took me on. I had given myself this task and all manner of challenges and obstacles showed up, but I didn’t let any one of them stop me. There were many times when I was almost on my knees, desperately wanting to run from the situation. I can count three times when I had decided I was leaving the course. I had had enough. I couldn’t cope any longer. It was just too difficult, juggling home life with my son, the course work, having no money, an ex who was constantly bullying me, I felt under so much pressure to just “get a job”. How much harder could this be?
It took two and a half years of my life to finish the Complementary Therapy Foundation Degree course at Staffordshire university. It was also like something had completed in me. I now saw my ability to stick to something through all the many challenges and there were many. The diagnosis of my fathers cancer was certainly one of them. It turned out that the date I was given for my Graduation was also the anniversary of my Mum and Dads Wedding. The 9th of July (today) and my Dad quite often referred to me as D1 or Daughter number 1 out of the three of us. I am sure you can guess what the others were called. My seat number on that day was D1! Something very significant was happening.
Life will create many obstacles and challenges for us, but its really how we respond to them that matters. We are all here to learn, grow, stretch and expand our consciousness. Change and challenge are blessings which help us to evolve our awareness.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
As I read the words on the wall “Amy is a Pig” my heart sank, I realized this was not the right place for me, I didn’t belong here it was 1982.
If there is one thing that we are acutely aware of as a child it is the way that others treat us. We are sponges, everything that is said, experienced, we absorb and it creates the perception of who we “think” we are. It shapes our personality.
Feeling sad I moved away from the group and went to a quieter area in the playground at the back of the school to be on my own.
My feelings were raw, I felt angry and vulnerable, why? did people need to treat me this way? At that moment my senses were heightened and I awoke to a presence all around me: that encompassed me. A gentle breeze rushed past, as the wind whistled caressing my skin and soothing my heart. Blissfully I saw there were no boundaries separating me from the wild wind, from the breeze and instinctively I looked up into the sky at the clouds were they in on this too? Then I gazed up at the trees around me what more did they know? I felt empowered, magical, I felt like a magician! I could make anything happen! In my childlike innocence with this innate knowing I decided to put these (what I now felt were magical powers) to the test! I asked (although I was very forthright) the wind to blow harder so I would know it was listening and it did! I then asked the wind to stop blowing to be still and it did! What was this?
I realized then that it didn’t matter what others said about me, I had discovered something far more important, far more amazing and I felt peaceful. I began to understand that “I“ represented all of existence, I was waking up, it was time to open my eyes again.
I had accidently discovered an intelligence all around me that was influenced by me! Wow it is Me! I am a powerful being of light, of love, energy and from that moment onwards I never felt truly alone. Of course there were times when I was lonely, but even that, even then I knew there was a force greater than me that worked through me, that was looking after me and I was looking after it, because I was it. I am it. I am THAT I am.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
I was distraught. We had left our home and everything we knew. I had nothing, no money, no job, no car and nowhere to live. We went from place to place staying with friends and family, but I knew I couldn’t go on like this. I was exhausted. I was broken, my heart was in pieces. My son was just 18 months old and his suffering was visible, his pain was obvious. He would bang his head on any surface he could, so I had to be on constant alert!
An incident in the local supermarket proved absolutely soul destroying, my son without warning got on the floor and proceeded to bang his head against the hard surface I rushed to his aide, with everything happening in slow motion. Passers by began to stand around me, abusing me with their words and tone of voice. Yes judge me as the “bad mother”, “the young mother who doesn’t know what she’s doing!.” They failed to see my tiny frame, the stress etched across my face, the tears welling in my eyes and the knife that was slowly twisting in my heart.
I was down a deep deep hole, I needed someone to pull me out, but instead it felt like I was being kicked just a little more! The pain was so intense my whole body ached. I longed for some peace, to be loved, a break from this noise in my head, I felt as though I had failed all of us. I was a “victim”, a “failure” and I couldn’t keep a relationship and I couldn’t fix it!
I can see now that my beautiful son was mirroring my own frustrations with the situation. Those passers by represented the evil voices in my head, putting me down, judging me and making me want to scream with anger at everything and everyone. “Its all your fault”, I would feel my fist clenching, why was the universe against me, what had I done wrong?
My son was missing his Dad. He was one of those Dads that got up in the night to feed him and cuddle him before he went to work. One of my sons first words was “Hug’.
I was so caught up in my own misery I hadn’t realized what effect this would have on him. I was so selfish! This was all my responsibility. It was so painful to watch not only had I felt I had ruined the happily ever after I wanted, but I had ruined my sons too. How was this ever going to get any better? That thought echoed around in my head.
I stepped though the door, this was really it, a new beginning. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I wanted to cry; there was no going back now. I gazed around noticing the big windows, the light flooding in, the wood like flooring, the sense of peace around me. I looked ill, withdrawn, gaunt, pail and almost lifeless.
My own space and a new start, life for me now as a single mum. Somewhere along the line I decided the only way I could get through this was by devoting my life and every moment to my son and his development. He became my reason for being.
He showed me the way, each laugh, each giggle, each new word and discovery softened my heart. I started to see a new life for us, I didn’t know what exactly that would mean, but it became clear that a new adventure was opening up, amongst the suffering there was some light starting to appear.
There was a moment when I sat in front of the window on the floor (I had very little furniture) and closed my eyes to meditate and the light just shone in, warming my whole being and giving me hope that things would be alright.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
I didn’t want to be a “failure” I didn’t want the relation ship to sink into the deep deep ocean. I was convinced this was “forever” and I was getting married (eventually) to the love of my life. These were all thoughts in my mind, it can’t go wrong! I don’t want to be a single mum, I don’t want to do this on my own, I don’t want to be a statistic!
All the garbage I fed myself, just drowning in these thoughts…where was MY happy ever after?
The pain cut me so deeply, it broke my heart in to little pieces, I spiralled into a dark dark place, where fear, anger, resentment, blame and pure hatred were my constant companions. I lost my confidence and I entered my own private hell, surrounded by drama unable to feel anything. I was numbed by the pain. I began my journey through “The Dark Night of The Soul”, my soul, with all my deepest fears. I entered a state of continuous suffering. I was a victim..
The suffering was every moment of every day, my mind wouldn’t let go, constant arguing with my now ex, blame, mistrust, hurt and tears, I cried an ocean of tears. I didn’t want anybody near me to get close to me, I wouldn’t give anybody a chance, I wouldn’t open my heart. I was on shut down. I would never love again!
What I know now is that this was the start of the destruction of myself and the rebirth of a beautiful new “Self” a more aware Self, a more alive , a more loving, a more forgiving me.
As I got on my hands and knees, I asked God to show me the way. I announced very loudly with tears streaming down my face that I didn’t want to die like this, that I knew there was another way!
I knew my purpose here wasn’t to be in this constant state of delusion and suffering. “Show me the way” I said “Show me, I know in my being that there is more!”
“Please show me, I don’t want to live like this anymore!”.
I fell onto the floor, I surrendered all that I knew, I surrendered my mind, my will, my heart and my life, to Truth.” Everything became very still, a quietness, a silence rushed in and I knew everything would be alright.
Something profound happened in that moment through deepest surrender. I was willing to die on my knees for the Truth, I could not and would not live this lie any longer. I entered a period of about 2 years of total bliss and transformation. My relation ships improved, I fell into my true Self, I experienced miraculous healing’s in my life, the drama left, the suffering left. I began writing, a constant flow of words pouring from my being as the light of truth started to flood into my heart, putting all the tiny pieces back together and creating the deepest and most profound capacity for LOVE ❤ ️I had ever known.
When something ends you can never know the depth of transformation that is happening in that moment. Be open, be receptive it is all a gift no matter how deep the suffering is ❤️
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️
I was bleeding, what was going on? I’m nearly 9 months pregnant and bleeding. I’m pretty sure that’s not ok! I had better pack a bag and go and tell my boyfriend I need him to take me to the hospital. He wasn’t impressed, it was an inconvenience for him to take me, there was no sense of joy, I felt really alone.
“I am pregnant and I’m having a boy” I announced to my mum, whilst we were on holiday in France. I must only of been 5 weeks into the pregnancy. My intuition was so strong, I just knew and I knew I was keeping him, no matter what.
Part of me was dreading telling my boyfriend, it wasn’t planned. I wondered how he would deal with the news. There were some cracks beginning to show in our relation ship.
As soon as I realised I was pregnant I stopped smoking and cut out drinking altogether, it wasn’t difficult, this life inside me was far more precious and I needed to take care of it. I could feel his beautiful spirit with me.
I hadn’t eaten meat in years and all of a sudden I found myself craving sausage sandwiches, coke and all the things I can no longer eat!
I went for a routine blood test and I was told I had a rare blood type and that there was a risk I could loose the baby, however they could give me an injection of anti-D that may prevent this from happening. I was also told if I did have another child it could happen again. My body, my immune system could attack the immune system of the life inside me. I never even knew that was possible until that moment. I am pregnant and already they are telling me I could lose the baby and worse it could be my body that rejects it! This was supposed to be an exciting adventure, it felt scary, I felt alone and now there seemed to be all these complications.
I arrived at the hospital, they found me a bed. I had an examination and I was told I wouldn’t be going home until I had had the baby. I felt helpless, out of control, frightened. I was in a strange place alone and I wasn’t aloud to leave. This was not what I had planned! Where was my water birth that I had dreamed of? It all started to become a distant memory, as I focused on the pain I was now feeling. The pain of loneliness, the pain in my body and the pain in my heart. My boyfriend just left me there, I felt abandoned.
I walked around the ward that night uncomfortable, unable to sleep and contemplating the outcome of this what now felt like a disaster. I cried. I didn’t feel excited I felt like I was about to step into unknown territory with no warning. There was nothing in the books I had read to prepare me for this!
The next morning a nurse came and told me that if things didn’t start to move on naturally they would have to induce me. Tired and concerned for my mine and my baby’s health I reluctantly agreed. My waters broke, but as with everything else it didn’t go to plan and turned out to be my hind waters. I didn’t even know they existed and so a few hours later they had to induce me. This meant being on a drip while they pumped my body full of chemicals to induce labour like a state.
The contractions started and I found myself in a private room with the beautiful mantra sounds of Deva Premal and Miten playing in the background. Those waves of pain were comforted in a deep sense of peace that I now felt within my body and my mind.
I remained on that drip for a full 12 hours and still no-thing was happening. My body and baby were becoming distressed.
The doctor came in to me and announced that I was not dilating and this could become a difficult situation. I would need to have an emergency cesarean. This was not what I wanted at all, but faced with no time to wait and my beautiful baby needing to come out I had to agree.
I was rushed into theatre put onto a table and immediately given an injection into my spine, between the contractions that I was still experiencing. I had to surrender it was out of my hands there was nothing I could do. I was exhausted and desperate to see my baby. I became numb from my shoulders downwards. I was paralysed. It didn’t feel good, I was absolutely terrified. I attempted to keep focused on the purpose of all of this. Feelings of concern and utter helplessness waved through my body. I felt detached, the curtain went up and the operation began. My boyfriend was with me, but I couldn’t feel anything or see anything of what was happening. There was a strange sensation of what felt like washing up happening in my stomach.
Then I saw him, my beautiful boy, he was crying as they pulled him out. My boyfriend said ” he’s a monster” meaning he was big. I’m sure had I had any say what so ever in the first words my son would hear from his Dad it would not of been that!
Tears rolled from my eyes, I started to cry helplessly, I wanted to hold him, to cuddle him, but I couldn’t move. I became distressed and immediately fell into shock, I was taken out of the theatre and put onto another drip, whilst I waited for the drugs in my weak body to wear off. I could hardly speak, my heart went out to this beautiful being in front of me, but everybody got to hold him apart from me. He was put next to me on the bed and more tears streamed from my eyes at my frustration with the situation.
I had been cut open, the pain from the operation was immense. I was on pain killers and I had staples across my stomach and a big bandage to cover them. I was in agony, disbelief and over come with a joy and a love I had never experienced before for this beautiful little boy beside me.
Love Love Amelia (DP) ❤️